Which One?

Two simple words. Phrased as a question meant to clarify.

A perfect example of how utterly simple, completely mundane little things in day-to-day life can remind you of the new reality. And how much it hurts.

Intense, throat-seizing pain makes time work differently. As the pain intensifies time seems to slow down, as if some sick twist of supreme consciousness to work through each agonizing second. And while the slow-motion pain tears at you, it also plays tricks, making you beg for it to pass while at the same time scream for it to rewind.

So as is the norm, I changed out of work clothes, listening to the kids in the other room, catching up with Brian, who simply said, "You're brother called." I naturally replied, "Which one?"

And then pain has its way with your heart. Adjusting time, moving your mind backwards and forwards through clarity and fog.

And here we are, many months past, still stumbling through the days. Using tricks to convince the mind so with heart intact we can keep moving.

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Moving is critical, and not in a repressive way - but in a survival way. Just getting words onto this space, to transition it - jump start it - move it forward - took so much work. In the background I'm writing, constantly, but never hitting the "share" button. This space is dedicated to the adventures and milestones of our life with our wonderful kids. I threw a one-two-punch to the blog's face when I posted about Evan, and then I and the blog became suspended. Just floating. Meanwhile holidays, birthdays, trivial moments, vacations, memories and more are innocent victims, suspended in space with me.

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The other night I was returning from a run and heard my tracker rattle off the miles, overall and lap time and found myself just tired of hearing slow numbers. "Blah, am I ever going to run fast again? Ever since..." And before I could go down emotionally, I looked up the street, quietly illuminated by street lamps and realized, that it is OK to be slow, just like it is OK to be sad. At least I'm out here, doing something I loved before. I'm OK with knowing it will never be the same. I will never be the same. Everything is different. I'm not sure I'll ever accept it, but that's OK. I love running, especially at night, and even if it is slow (and I mean sometimes soooooo slow) I'm out there, willing and able. Enjoying it. And I honestly think he'd be happy about that. Sometimes that's the best we can do.

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Writing is like running, it takes time to get back in shape. There's so much to share on this space, and I going to get back at it. So like exercising, the first time it is usually scary and will likely result in soreness, but it gets better the more practice, so off we go. And at the heart of this effort, this space is really all about the kids. And they deserve better.

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I wish I could say there are lesson in retrospect, but there aren't. There is no moment of clarity that resolves a tragedy. It just is, and it is terrible. With all those transitions out of the way, it's now time to get back to capturing as best I can the present, and being present in it. I've reminded myself what this blog is, and what this blog is not, and with that in mind that I will rarely be sad on here again. And I warn you - it's about to explode unicorns and rainbows all over the place. And photos, brace yourselves, there will be tons and tons of photos. And in no particular order...next up I believe is Valentine's Day!